8th November - If men wrote 'Cosmopolitan'

[the-happening]

Q: My husband wants to experience three-in-a-bed-sex with me and my sister.

A: Your husband is clearly devoted to you. He cannot get enough of you, so he goes for the next best thing your sister. Far from being an issue, this will bring all of the family together. Why not get some cousins involved?
If you are still apprehensive, then let him go with your relatives, buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal and don't mention this aspect of his behaviour.

Q: My husband continually asks me to perform oral sex with him.

A : Do it. Sperm is not only great tasting, but has only 10 calories a spoonful. It is nutritious and helps you to keep your figure and gives a great glow to the skin. Interestingly, a man knows this. His offer to you to perform oral sex with him is totally selfless. Oral sex is extremely painful for a man. This shows he loves you. Best thing to do is to thank him, buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal.

Q: My husband has too many nights out with the boys.

A: This is perfectly natural behaviour - and it should be encouraged. The man is a hunter and he needs to prove his prowess with other men. Far from being pleasurable, a night out with the boys is a stressful affair, and to get back to you is a relief for your partner. Just look back at how emotional and happy the man is when he returns to his stable home. Best thing to do is to buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal and don't mention this aspect of his behaviour.

Q: My husband doesn't know where my clitoris is.

A: Your clitoris is of no concern to your husband. If you must mess with it do it in your own time. To help with the family budget you may wish to video tape yourself while doing this, and to sell it at flea markets. To ease your selfish guilt, buy your man a nice expensive present, and cook him a delicious meal.

Q: My husband is uninterested in foreplay. A: Foreplay to a man is very hurtful. What it means is that you do not love your man as much as you should - he has to work a lot to get you in the mood. Abandon all wishes in this area, and make it up to him by buying a nice expensive present, and cooking a nice meal.


Q: My husband has never given me an orgasm.

A: The female orgasm is a myth. It is fostered by militant, man-hating feminists and is a danger to the family unit. Don't mention it again to him and show your love to him by buying a nice expensive present and don't forget to cook him a delicious meal.

Q: How do I know if I'm ready for sex ?

A: Ask your boyfriend. He'll know when the time is right. When it comes to love and sex, men are much more responsible, since they're not confused emotionally as women. It's a proven fact.

Q: Should I have sex on the first date ?

A: YES. Before if possible.

Q: What exactly happens during the act of sex ?

A: Again, this is entirely up to the man. The important thing to remember is that you must do whatever he tells you without question. Sometimes, however, he may ask you to do certain things that may at first seem strange to you.
Do them anyway.

Q: How long should the sex act last ?

A: There is no average time, but anything over two minutes is good. Anything under that and you may be rushing your man. After your man has finished making love, he'll have a natural desire to leave you suddenly, and go out with his friends to play golf. Or perhaps another activity, such as going out with his friends to the bar for the purpose of consuming large amounts of alcohol and sharing a few personal thoughts with his buddies. Don't feel left out-while he's gone you can busy yourself by doing his laundry, cleaning his apartment, or perhaps even going out to buy him an expensive gift. He'll come back when he's ready.

Q: What is "afterplay?"

A: After a man has finished making love, he needs to replenish his manly energy. "Afterplay" is simply a list of important activities for you to do after the lovemaking. This includes lighting his cigarette, making him a sandwich or pizza, bringing him a few beers, or leaving him alone to sleep while you go out and buy him an expensive gift.

Q: Does the size of the penis matter ?

A: Yes. Although many women believe that quality, not quantity, is important, studies show this is simply not true. The average erect male penis measures about 3 inches. Anything longer than that is extremely rare and, if by some chance your lover's sexual organ is 4 inches or over, you should go down on your knees and thank you lucky stars and do everything possible to please him, such as doing his laundry, cleaning his apartment and buying him an expensive gift

[eotunun]

Amen!

[scotty]

I got that as an e-mail ages ago, I was to feart to put it here

[the-happening]

I got that as an e-mail ages ago, I was to feart to put it here

Yes me too i found it archived on my PC and did a quick search on here for cosmopolitan, nothing found so thought it worthy of an airing!

and also found this golden oldie:

> Subject: FW: NEW SLANG DICTIONARY
>
>
> Abra-Kebabra:
> A magic act performed on Saturday night, where fast food vanishes
> downthe performer's throat, and then shortly afterwards, it suddenly
> reappears on the taxi floor.
>
> Aussie Kiss:
> Similar to a French Kiss, but given down under.
>
> Back End of the Batmobile:
> The state of your Brass Eye soon after you eat a really hot curry.
> "I had a Ring Stinger in the Benghazi restaurant last night, and now
> I've
> got a dose of Gandhi's Revenge. My arse feels like the back end of
> the Batmobile."
>
> Beaver Leaver or Vagina Decliner. A homosexual.
>
> Beer Coat:
> The invisible but warm coat worn when walking home after a booze
> cruise at 3 in the morning.
>
> Beer Compass:
> The invisible device that ensures your safe arrival home after a booze
> cruise, even though you're too pissed to remember where you
live,
> how
> you get there, and where you've come from.
>
> BOBFOC:
> Body Off Baywatch, Face Off Crimewatch.
>
> Boiler Suit:
> The prosecution charge that you did wilfully, and with phallus
> aforethought, score with a Bobfoc last night. This charge is
usually
> brought by a kangaroo court of your friends in the pub on Saturday
> night.
>
> Bone of Contention:
> A hard-on that causes an argument. e.g. one that arises when a man
> is watching Olympic beach volleyball on TV with his girlfriend.
>
> Breaking the Seal:
> Your 1st p*ss in the pub, usually after 2 hours of drinking. After
> breaking the seal of your bladder, repeat visits to the toilet will
be
> required every 10 or 15 minutes for the rest of the night.
>
> Budgie's Tongue or Small Man In A Boat, or Tongue Punchbag.
> The female erection.
>
> BVH: Blue-Veined Hooligan. The 1-eyed skinhead.
>
> Cider Visor: Beer Goggles for the young drinker.
>
> Cliterature: 1-handed reading material.
>
> Cock-A-Doodle-Poo:The bowel movement that, needing to come out
urgently,
> wakes you up
> in the morning to get to the toilet quick.
>
> Crappuccino:The particularly frothy type of diarrhoea that you get
when
> abroad.
>
> Double Bass:A sexual position in which the man enters the woman from
> behind, and then fiddles with the woman's nipples with one hand and
> her Budgie's Tongue with the other. The position is similar to that
> used when playing a double bass instrument, but the sound produced is
> slightly
different.
>
> Etch-A-Sketch:
> Trying to draw a smile on a woman's face by twiddling both of her
nipples
> simultaneously.
>
> Fizzy Gravy or Rusty Water.
> Diarrhoea.
>
> Flogging On:
> Surfing the Internet for some left-handed websites.
>
> Free the Tadpoles:
> Liberate the residents of Wank Tanks.
>
> Frigmarole:
> Unnecessarily time-consuming foreplay.
>
> s**t:
> The sound made when driving through too narrow a gap at too high a
speed.
>
> Going For a s**t:
> Entering a fast food restaurant with no intention of buying food,
> you're just going to the bog. If challenged by a pimply staff
member,
> your
> declaration to them that you'll buy their food afterwards is a
s**t
> With Lies.
>
> Greyhound:
> A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare.
>
> Hand-to-Gland Combat:
> A vigorous masturbation session.
>
> Hefty Cleft or Horse's Collar, or Welly Top.
> Description of a very large vagina.
>
> McSplurry:
> The type of bowel movement you experience after dining for a week in
> fast food restaurants.
>
> Millennium Domes:
> The contents of a Wonderbra. i.e. extremely impressive when
viewed
> from
> the outside, but there's actually f**k-all in there worth seeing.
>
> Monkey Bath:A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you go:
> "Oo! Oo! Oo! Aa! Aa! Aa!".
>
> Mystery Bus:
> The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're in the
> toilet after your 10th pint, and whisks away all the unattractive
> people> > so the pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come
back
> in.
>
> Mystery Taxi:
> The taxi that arrives at your place on Saturday morning before you
> wake up, whisks away the stunner you slept with, and leaves a
10-Pinter
> in your bed instead.
>
> NBR: No Beers Required. Someone that you'd chat up instantly in
the
> pub.
> the opposite of a 10-Pinter.
>
> Picasso Arse:
> A woman whose knickers are too small for her, so she looks like
she's
> got 4 buttocks.
>
> Sperm Wail or Spuphemism.
> A verbal outburst during the male orgasm.
>
> Starfish Trooper or Arsetronaut. A homosexual.
>
> 10-Pinter: Someone that you'd only chat up after drinking at least
10
> pints.
>
> 2-Bagger: Someone that you'd need 2 paper bags to have sex with.
(1 to
> cover
> their head, and 1 to cover yours, in case their bag falls off.
>
> Titanic: A lady who goes down first time out.
>
> Todger Dodger: A lesbian.
>
> Wank Seance: During a masturbation session, the eerie feeling that
you're
> being
> watched with disgust by your dead relatives.
>
> X-Piles: Unwanted visitors from Uranus

[scotty]

Aye, I got that to, you're a braver Man than me

[smiscandlon]

> Wank Seance: During a masturbation session, the eerie feeling that you're being watched with disgust by your dead relatives.

Not sure why, but that was the one that made me laugh out loud.

[Pat]

Hate sprouts at xmas, this is for you.
clikkk