14/11/06. Zen For Those Who Take Life Too Seriously.

scotty · 14 Nov 2006, 18:28

Zen For Those Who Take Life Too Seriously

1. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
2. Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your week.
3. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
4. Get a new car for your spouse. It'll be a great trade!
5. Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
6. Always try to be modest, and be proud of it!
7. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand...
8. OK, so what's the speed of dark?
9. How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
10. If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
11. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
12. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
13. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
14. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
15. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
16. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
17. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
18. I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
19. I couldn't repair your brake, so I made your horn louder.
20. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened.
22. Just remember - if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.
23. Light travels faster than sound. That is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
24. Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
25. A day without sunshine is like night.
26. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
27. Getting lost in thought may put you in unfamiliar territory.
28. 42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
29. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
30. You're diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
31. Honk if you love peace and quiet.
32. Remember that half the people you know are below average.
33. Despite the high cost of living, it's still extremely popular.
34. He who laughs last thinks slowest.
35.The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
36. Drive way too fast and you don't have to worry about cholesterol.
37. If you intend to live forever, so far, so good.
38. Borrow money only from pessimists; they don't expect it back.
39. Support bacteria; they're the only culture some people have.
40. If at first you don't succeed, destroy the evidence.
41. A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
42. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
43. For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.
44. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of cheques.
45. No one is listening until you make a mistake.
46. Success always occurs in private; failure, in full view.
47.The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.
48.The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.
49.To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
50.To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
51.You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
52.The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard (and not enough chlorine!)
53. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
54. If you think nobody cares try missing a couple of payments.
55. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

James Blast · 14 Nov 2006, 20:07

It's a very sad world we live in when Sir Paul McCartney and his wife are facing divorce and all anyone seems to want to do is make jokes about her false leg.

Personally, I think it's prosthetic.

--------------------------------------

CIA - Computer Industry Acronyms

ADSL: All Downloads Somewhat Lengthy
APPLE: Aesthetically Pleasing Personal-Life Equipment
CD-ROM: Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months
COBOL: Completely Obsolete Business Oriented Language
DHCP: Doesn't Half Confuse People
DOS: Defunct Old System
IBM: I Blame Microsoft
iPOD: irresistible Purveyer Of Deafness
ISDN: It Still Does Nothing
iTMS: it Trashed My Songs!
LISP: Lots of Insipid and Stupid Parentheses
MACINTOSH: Mainly Artistic Computer Infinitely Nicer Than Other Suppliers'
Hardware
MICROSOFT: Most Intelligent Consumers Realize Our Software Only Fascinates
Temporarily
MIPS: Meaningless Indication of Processor Speed
PCMCIA: People Can't Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms
PnP: Plug and Pray
SCSI: System Can't See It
TCP/IP: The Computer's Procedure for Irritating People
USB: Usually Signifies Bugs
VISTA: Visibly Inferior System To Apple's
WAAAA: World Association Against Acronym Abuse.
WiFi: Will incur Frequent interference
WINDOWS XP: Will Install Needless Data On Whole System - Xpect Problems
WLAN: Wow! - Leads Aren't Necessary
WWDC: Where We Discover Coolness
WYSIWYMGIYRRLAAGW: What You See Is What You Might Get If You're Really
Really Lucky And All Goes Well.
YCKYHOTY: You Can Keep Your Humble Opinion To Yourself!

AGAM..... sorry, Anyone Got Any More?

eotunun · 14 Nov 2006, 20:10

Class!

IBM: Inferior But Marketable
Or: ItÂ´s Better Manually

Izzy HaveMercy · 14 Nov 2006, 20:24

MAC: Most annoying Computer?

DVD-RW: Does Vital Damage - Re Weegies

IZ.

James Blast · 14 Nov 2006, 20:41

Izzy HaveMercy wrote:MAC: Most annoying Computer?

DVD-RW: Does Vital Damage - Re Weegies

Ahem!

MACINTOSH: Mainly Artistic Computer Infinitely Nicer Than Other Suppliers' Hardware
MICROSOFT: Most Intelligent Consumers Realize Our Software Only Fascinates Temporarily

Brideoffrankenstein · 14 Nov 2006, 20:43

What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?

The picture only takes one nail to hang

Izzy HaveMercy · 14 Nov 2006, 21:46

MACINTOSH: might actually continue if not thrashed on Scottish heid?

IZ.

James Blast · 14 Nov 2006, 22:07

Mainly, it's crap, rubbish, or still old fashioned toss

just my take of course

weebleswobble · 14 Nov 2006, 22:18

Brideoffrankenstein wrote:What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?

The picture only takes one nail to hang

scotty · 14 Nov 2006, 22:24

weebleswobble wrote:
Brideoffrankenstein wrote:What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?

The picture only takes one nail to hang

Can you see Jesus?

EvilBastard · 14 Nov 2006, 22:50

scotty wrote:Can you see Jesus?

weebleswobble · 15 Nov 2006, 07:23

Evidence that Religion is a Bunch of Arse!

eotunun · 16 Nov 2006, 00:09

If Jesus is the actual light at the end of our tunnel, I now have an idea what the tunnel looks like, and the view of the authors of the scriptures about us. If this is what happens to us when we die I dare to predict that life after death stinks worse than the one before.
Great find!

mh · 16 Nov 2006, 00:22

Brideoffrankenstein wrote:What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?

The picture only takes one nail to hang

You're evil and you'll burn in hell, but I love it!

bushman*pm · 16 Nov 2006, 19:48

EvilBastard wrote:
scotty wrote:Can you see Jesus?

S E C O N D E D ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !
(can you guess who cant suss the bold print yet??!!

)
.

EvilBastard · 16 Nov 2006, 20:27

Bit of a visual one, this...

Stand with your arms outstretched to the sides, palms facing forwards, head back resting on one shoulder.

Then ask your audience, "What's this?"

Answer: "A sh*t way to spend your easter!"

Go to hell, go directly to hell, do not pass go, do not collect the new Sisters album.

bushman*pm · 16 Nov 2006, 20:44

EvilBastard wrote:Bit of a visual one, this...

Stand with your arms outstretched to the sides, palms facing forwards, head back resting on one shoulder.

Then ask your audience, "What's this?"

Answer: "A sh*t way to spend your easter!"

Go to hell, go directly to hell, do not pass go, do not collect the new Sisters album.

I pished moi pantshh, Mishh Funny-Fanny!

James Blast · 16 Nov 2006, 20:46

I can see your house from here...

EvilBastard · 16 Nov 2006, 20:49

James Blast wrote:I can see your house from here...

Aaaaahh, now that one really is a classic...

bushman*pm · 16 Nov 2006, 20:49

weebleswobble wrote:
Brideoffrankenstein wrote:What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?

The picture only takes one nail to hang

C'mon 'WW' get it right:

MadameButterfly · 16 Nov 2006, 20:50

EvilBastard wrote:Bit of a visual one, this...

Stand with your arms outstretched to the sides, palms facing forwards, head back resting on one shoulder.

Then ask your audience, "What's this?"

Answer: "A sh*t way to spend your easter!"

Go to hell, go directly to hell, do not pass go, do not collect the new Sisters album.

Jesus Christ Superstar that's a very old one!

But still stays good, visuals an absolute must.

17 Nov 2006, 13:54

Another visual one:

Hold your hands palm upwards, left hand above the right.

Now move your left hand under your right hand.

Now move your right hand under your left hand.

Repeat

What's this?

Jesus playing with a marble.

EvilBastard · 17 Nov 2006, 14:12

markfiend wrote:Another visual one:

Hold your hands palm upwards, left hand above the right.

Now move your left hand under your right hand.

Now move your right hand under your left hand.

Repeat

What's this?

Jesus playing with a marble.

Now that's just beautiful...

Visual #3:
Place your right hand, palm open, over your mouth, and make gnawing actions against the middle of your palm with your teeth.
Repeat with left hand.
What's this?

Jesus biting his nails

"All aboard the Inferno Express! Next stop: Lake of Fire holiday resort and casino!

MadameButterfly · 23 Nov 2006, 00:08

EvilBastard wrote:
markfiend wrote:Another visual one:

Hold your hands palm upwards, left hand above the right.

Now move your left hand under your right hand.

Now move your right hand under your left hand.

Repeat

What's this?

Jesus playing with a marble.

Now that's just beautiful...

Visual #3:
Place your right hand, palm open, over your mouth, and make gnawing actions against the middle of your palm with your teeth.
Repeat with left hand.
What's this?

Jesus biting his nails

"All aboard the Inferno Express! Next stop: Lake of Fire holiday resort and casino!

oh I love you guys! Bad bad boys!

But hold that Inferno Express as I think Pat needs to get on and then up and away to the resort and casino!

23 Nov 2006, 10:25

Jesus is a very cheap house-guest.

You only need a couple of nails to put him up.