19-7-07 Some Oneliners

[James Blast]

I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought, "That's Aboriginal."

I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said "Tenpin?" I said, "No, permanent."

I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."

I was at a Garden Centre and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.

Batman came up to me and he hit me over the head with a vase and he went T'PAU! I said "Don't you mean KAPOW?? He said "No, I've got china in my hand."

I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet. 'Best Before End'

I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue." I said "No, just a watch."

I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The bloke said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he then?"

My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bisatchel.

I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels." He said, "You've got cholera."

I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.

I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue. I couldn't put it down.

I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered just went on and on.

The recruitment consultant asked me "What do you think of voluntary work?? I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."

This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."

I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having me on?" I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything."

This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says "Audi!"

I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I'd been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again to say I'd been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made me managing director and I went right off into a tree. The police came and asked me what had happened. I said "I careered off the road"

I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny: you couldn't swing a cat in there.

I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of a couple of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on two counts.

I bought a train ticket to France and the ticket seller said "Eurostar" I said "Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.

I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays."

I went to the local video shop and I said, "Can I take out The Elephant Man?" He said, "He's not your type." I said "Can I borrow Batman Forever?" He said, "No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow."

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie. "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want." So he tied her up and went golfing.

Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.

A Polish immigrant went to the DVLA to apply for a driver's license. First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test The optician showed him a card with the letters :- 'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.' "Can you read this?" the optician asked. "Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."

Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, "I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent." "Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of chardonnay.

I walked into B&Q at lunchtime and some old guy dressed in orange sked me if I wanted decking.Fortunately, I got the first punch in and that was the end of that

[bushman*pm]

California is changing its title from 'The Sunshine State' to 'The Museli State' because its full of fruits, flakes and nuts!

[streamline]

stop it you guys, you too funny!

[bushman*pm]

What goes clip-clop clip-clop bang bang?




























An Amish drive by shooting

[Planet Dave]

[Izzy HaveMercy]

What goes clip-clop clip-clop bang bang?


An Amish drive by shooting

Oh my!

IZ.

[Izzy HaveMercy]

And even more OH My after those oneliners!

Top stuff James!

IZ.

[James Blast]

Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband

that bit?

[Izzy HaveMercy]

Batman came up to me and he hit me over the head with a vase and he went T'PAU! I said "Don't you mean KAPOW?? He said "No, I've got china in my hand."

I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet. 'Best Before End'

I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.

I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue. I couldn't put it down.


I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having me on?" I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything."

I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny: you couldn't swing a cat in there.

I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of a couple of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on two counts.

I bought a train ticket to France and the ticket seller said "Eurostar" I said "Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.

I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays."

I went to the local video shop and I said, "Can I take out The Elephant Man?" He said, "He's not your type." I said "Can I borrow Batman Forever?" He said, "No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow."

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie. "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want." So he tied her up and went golfing.

Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.

A Polish immigrant went to the DVLA to apply for a driver's license. First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test The optician showed him a card with the letters :- 'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.' "Can you read this?" the optician asked. "Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."

Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, "I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent." "Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of chardonnay.

Especially THESE

IZ.

[James Blast]

Well.... I was one fourteenth right

[Izzy HaveMercy]

While we're at it:

Two cannibals were at a circus eating a clown. The one turned to the other and said, "Does this taste funny to you?"

A man walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing nothing but a pair of cling-film underpants. As he sits down, the psychiatrist says, "I can clearly see you're nuts".

What do Kermit the Frog and Henry the Eighth have in common? They both have the same middle name.

Where did Saddam Hussein keep his cds? In a rack.

I used to work with a bald-headed geezer who had tattoos of rabbits all over his head. From a distance they look like hares.

What's the difference between a man and a dog? A man wears a suit, a dog just pants.

Thieves made off with a toilet from police station, police say they have nothing to go on.

What do you get when you sing a country and western song backwards? Your wife back, your house back and your dog back.

IZ.

[James Blast]

While we're at it:
I used to work with a bald-headed geezer who had tattoos of rabbits all over his head. From a distance they look like hares.

I really take offence at that, and I have PMd QB accordingly as ARF! says, "This transgression shall not pass for innocence"

[Izzy HaveMercy]

Cool!

IZ.

[Izzy HaveMercy]

Well.... I was one fourteenth right

Sniff... you actually COUNTED them...awwwwwwwww



IZ.

[James Blast]

well when my Belgian Boss says 'Jump!' I ask "An jist how high wid ye lyke me tae jump ya dickless foreign chocolate munchin' strong beer swillin' baisturt?"
He usually says "James, my brother, I have drank too muc.....

the sentence is never finished

what's all that about?

[Izzy HaveMercy]

well when my Belgian Boss says 'Jump!' I ask "An jist how high wid ye lyke me tae jump ya dickless foreign chocolate munchin' strong beer swillin' baisturt?"
He usually says "James, my brother, I have drank too muc.....

the sentence is never finished

what's all that about?

Jist the pleasures of life

IZ.

[James Blast]

fancy a smoke...?

[silentNate]

Very funny, I love oneliners