Jan 17 2007 : Microsoft and other stuff

[James Blast]

How things would be different if Microsoft's headquarters were in South Georgia:


1. Their #1 product would be Microsoft Winders
2. Instead of an hourglass icon you'd get an empty beer bottle
3. Occasionally you'd bring up a window that was covered with a hefty bag
4. Dialog boxes would give you the choice of "Ahh-ight" or "Naw"
5. Instead of "Ta-Da!", the opening sound would be Dueling Banjos
6. The "Recycle Bin" in Winders '95 would be an outhouse
7. Whenever you pulled up the Sound Player you'd hear a digitized drunk redneck yelling "Freebird!"
8. Instead of "Start Me Up", the Winders '95 theme song would be Achy-Breaky Heart
9. PowerPoint would be named "ParPawnt"
10. Microsoft's programming tools would be "Vishul Basic" and Vishul C++"
11. Winders 95 logo would incorporate the Confederate Flag
12. Microsoft Word would be just that: one word
13. Instead of latte carts we'd have grits carts
14. New Shutdown WAV: "Y'all come back now, Yah hear?!"
15. Instead of VP, Microsoft big shots would be called "Cuz"
16. Hardware could be repaired using parts from an old Trans Am
17. Microsoft Office replaced with Micr'sawft Henhouse
18. Four words: Daisy Duke Screen Saver
19. Well, the first thing you know, old Bill's a billionaire
20. Speadsheet software would include examples to inventory dead cars in your front yard
21. Flight Simulator replaced by Tractor pull Simulator
22. Microsoft CEO: Bubba Gates



Tourist Guide to Scotland

The following may be of help to first time visitors to Scotland. Please
find below a list of DO's and DO NOT DO's in our fair country. I hope
they are of some help in allowing you to understand our social rules
and etiquette :-

It is considered bad manners for tourists to pay for drinks in Glasgow
Pubs. The biggest person in the bar (referred to as The Big Numpty) will
be only too happy to pay. i.e.:
BARMAN: That will be twenty pounds sir.
TOURIST: The Big Numpty over there is paying.
BARMAN: That will do nicely sir.
BIG NUMPTY: Welcome to Scotland.

In Highland pubs always ask for plenty of water when drinking the
local single malts, this tells the locals that you like it so much that you
want to make it last longer. After your first sip announce to everyone
in the bar in a loud voice "This is pish!" from the Gaelic Piesh Na'
Lavvy meaning Water of God.

Thurso is Scotland's largest hypermarket and multiscreen cinema
Complex and is only a short taxi ride from Glasgow.

The Scottish Police force actively encourage tourists to take their
hats as souvenirs.

Braemar is famous for its miles of sandy beaches and
has some of the best surfing in Europe.

Balmoral Castle sits on top of Ben Nevis near Sauchiehall Street in
Edinburgh.
There is a cable car from Edinburgh zoo to the top of Ben Nevis. Because of
its
height it offers all year round skiing and there is a revolving restaurant
on the
roof of the castle.

Often you will see men in bowler hats marching about playing the flute
and banging a drum. This is a multi denominational religious ceremony
and the object of this procession is to collect pictures of religious
leaders which must be stuck to the drum. Any images, particularly
those of the Pope will be greatly appreciated.


There is a nocturnal thistle called a "Spiky Jessie" which is found on
Calton Hill in Edinburgh. As these flowers only open at night a trip
up the hill is recommended. Just tell a taxi driver that you want to go
up Calton Hill to take pictures of the Jessies coming out and he will be
happy to oblige.

The Latin inscription on Edinburgh's coat of arms says "You'll have
had your tea?"

The most popular hotel in Glasgow is called The Barlinnie.

Old people are banned from Scottish towns on Tuesdays and Thursdays.
If you see any gently restrain them until a police officer arrives. This
may also provide an opportunity to get a hat as a souvenir.

Glasgow operates a policy of plain clothed street bankers. As it is
well known that carrying small change can tear people's pockets, these
bankers will approach tourists and ask if they have any spare change.
Once given this money they will exchange it for coins or notes of a
higher denomination. In order to deter criminals, these Banker often
dress in a scruffy unkempt manner but they are all highly trained in
finance.

Edinburgh zoo has an adopt an animal scheme and tourists may take
home any animal they wish.

At many beauty spots you will find musicians playing the bagpipes.
They are employed by the Scottish Government to provide tourists with
spending money which can be found in bowls beside them. Feel free to
take as much money as you want.

William Wallace escaped the army of Oliver Cromwell by jumping over
the River Forth at Aberdeen on a motorbike.

If you go to a concert by The Royal Scottish National Orchestra it is
considered impolite not to shout "Hoots!" during quiet sections of
music.

Celtic are known as the Gers due to being formed by Gerry O'Malley a
fruit importer who was the first man to introduce citrus fruit to
Scotland. So if you walk into a pub filled with people wearing green
and white say "Up the Gers, I'm proud to be an Orange man!" and you
will receive a warm welcome.

Policemen are known throughout Scotland by the old Gaelic word "keech"

"Jobbie" is a word meaning a lot of effort has gone into producing
something i.e. when you have enjoyed a meal, tell the waiter that it
tasted like a great big jobbie.

It is forbidden to travel on public transport in Scotland unless you
have a licence. This can be obtained from any police station. Simply
ask for the Traffic keech - and remember those souvenir hats.



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[bushman*pm]

Celtic are known as the Gers due to being formed by Gerry O'Malley a
fruit importer who was the first man to introduce citrus fruit to
Scotland. So if you walk into a pub filled with people wearing green
and white say "Up the Gers, I'm proud to be an Orange man!" and you
will receive a warm welcome.



Dont forget to wear your sash and bowler hat as well!

I've also heard that theres a great single malt, usually known as
'Finnian' so ask for this regularly at every pub in Glasgae,
this will really let the locals know your'e a person of high esteem and they will take you straight to their hearts, not forgetting in response to their kindness, ask them for a 'Glasgow Kiss'

[eotunun]

Did you write that disclaimer, James?

[James Blast]

Did you write that disclaimer, James?

Of course Jürgen
and thanks for your PM earlier, I'll look into that, my PM in and out boxes are stuffed hence the reply here

[eotunun]

The fate of Presidents and stars..
You need a secretary, aye?
Did I mention I was unemployed?

[Ahráyeph]

Blast for President, Jürgen for VP and IZ for the National Anthem...

[James Blast]

Blast for President, Jürgen for VP and IZ for the National Anthem...

you'd better be playin' geetar oan that wan, I'll bring the bass noise...

[Izzy HaveMercy]

...and IZ for the National Anthem...

Consider it done!

(whoa, look at the code fer this monster! )

IZ.

[Ahráyeph]

...and IZ for the National Anthem...

Consider it done!

(whoa, look at the code fer this monster! )

IZ.

I'm going to keep you on your word now...

[James Blast]

Still peddling that auld shit Iz, I expect better frae yew.

makes note: Iz: 1 guid stabbin' Lier, end o'Feb 07

[Izzy HaveMercy]

Still peddling that auld shit Iz, I expect better frae yew.

makes note: Iz: 1 guid stabbin' Lier, end o'Feb 07

Pot Kettle black Sir?

Or is that a freshly minted avatar I see there?

mind, nae bad taste at all there...

makes note: worth jist 1 guid stabbin'?

IZ.

[James Blast]

believe you me, that's jist the stairt o yewr stabbin' slate

[Izzy HaveMercy]

believe you me, that's jist the stairt o yewr stabbin' slate

Cor!

IZ.

[Obviousman]

I'll keep that in mind if ever I get to Scotland

[Big Si]

- Only an Excuse 2006 Part 1

- Part 2

- Part 3


- Still Game 2006 Part 1

- Part 2

- Part 3

[James Blast]

Still Game = Still Classic


Nyce wan Big Yin

fancy a wee san'wich?

[Big Si]

Still Game = Still Classic


Nyce wan Big Yin

fancy a wee san'wich?

Knuckle or Paroka?

[James Blast]

Paroka or a young in the buff Isa Drennan...


... k'in ah huv baith?

[Big Si]

Paroka or a young in the buff Isa Drennan...


... k'in ah huv baith?

Whut aboot Tam's wee hing oot, tasty!

[Izzy HaveMercy]

All you base are belong to us, indeed!

IZ.

[James Blast]

I have said this before, but for oor daft Belgian viewers:
The 'girl/woman' as plays Isa Drennan's Dad lives up the street from me. She often visits him (what a nice wee lass she is) and takes her youngest wean oot fur a walk (when she gets bored wi thi auld man, lyke), she passes my window. She's a damn fine looking woman.


I would - nothing new there then James

[James Blast]

Hell! I'm talking to myself now...

[James Blast]

... am I?





nah!

[Big Si]

I have said this before, but for oor daft Belgian viewers:
The 'girl/woman' as plays Isa Drennan's Dad lives up the street from me. She often visits him (what a nice wee lass she is) and takes her youngest wean oot fur a walk (when she gets bored wi thi auld man, lyke), she passes my window. She's a damn fine looking woman.


I would - nothing new there then James

[Izzy HaveMercy]

...

IZ.