Jan 17 2007 : Microsoft and other stuff
Posted: 17 Jan 2007, 16:51
How things would be different if Microsoft's headquarters were in South Georgia:
1. Their #1 product would be Microsoft Winders
2. Instead of an hourglass icon you'd get an empty beer bottle
3. Occasionally you'd bring up a window that was covered with a hefty bag
4. Dialog boxes would give you the choice of "Ahh-ight" or "Naw"
5. Instead of "Ta-Da!", the opening sound would be Dueling Banjos
6. The "Recycle Bin" in Winders '95 would be an outhouse
7. Whenever you pulled up the Sound Player you'd hear a digitized drunk redneck yelling "Freebird!"
8. Instead of "Start Me Up", the Winders '95 theme song would be Achy-Breaky Heart
9. PowerPoint would be named "ParPawnt"
10. Microsoft's programming tools would be "Vishul Basic" and Vishul C++"
11. Winders 95 logo would incorporate the Confederate Flag
12. Microsoft Word would be just that: one word
13. Instead of latte carts we'd have grits carts
14. New Shutdown WAV: "Y'all come back now, Yah hear?!"
15. Instead of VP, Microsoft big shots would be called "Cuz"
16. Hardware could be repaired using parts from an old Trans Am
17. Microsoft Office replaced with Micr'sawft Henhouse
18. Four words: Daisy Duke Screen Saver
19. Well, the first thing you know, old Bill's a billionaire
20. Speadsheet software would include examples to inventory dead cars in your front yard
21. Flight Simulator replaced by Tractor pull Simulator
22. Microsoft CEO: Bubba Gates
Tourist Guide to Scotland
The following may be of help to first time visitors to Scotland. Please
find below a list of DO's and DO NOT DO's in our fair country. I hope
they are of some help in allowing you to understand our social rules
and etiquette :-
It is considered bad manners for tourists to pay for drinks in Glasgow
Pubs. The biggest person in the bar (referred to as The Big Numpty) will
be only too happy to pay. i.e.:
BARMAN: That will be twenty pounds sir.
TOURIST: The Big Numpty over there is paying.
BARMAN: That will do nicely sir.
BIG NUMPTY: Welcome to Scotland.
In Highland pubs always ask for plenty of water when drinking the
local single malts, this tells the locals that you like it so much that you
want to make it last longer. After your first sip announce to everyone
in the bar in a loud voice "This is pish!" from the Gaelic Piesh Na'
Lavvy meaning Water of God.
Thurso is Scotland's largest hypermarket and multiscreen cinema
Complex and is only a short taxi ride from Glasgow.
The Scottish Police force actively encourage tourists to take their
hats as souvenirs.
Braemar is famous for its miles of sandy beaches and
has some of the best surfing in Europe.
Balmoral Castle sits on top of Ben Nevis near Sauchiehall Street in
Edinburgh.
There is a cable car from Edinburgh zoo to the top of Ben Nevis. Because of
its
height it offers all year round skiing and there is a revolving restaurant
on the
roof of the castle.
Often you will see men in bowler hats marching about playing the flute
and banging a drum. This is a multi denominational religious ceremony
and the object of this procession is to collect pictures of religious
leaders which must be stuck to the drum. Any images, particularly
those of the Pope will be greatly appreciated.
There is a nocturnal thistle called a "Spiky Jessie" which is found on
Calton Hill in Edinburgh. As these flowers only open at night a trip
up the hill is recommended. Just tell a taxi driver that you want to go
up Calton Hill to take pictures of the Jessies coming out and he will be
happy to oblige.
The Latin inscription on Edinburgh's coat of arms says "You'll have
had your tea?"
The most popular hotel in Glasgow is called The Barlinnie.
Old people are banned from Scottish towns on Tuesdays and Thursdays.
If you see any gently restrain them until a police officer arrives. This
may also provide an opportunity to get a hat as a souvenir.
Glasgow operates a policy of plain clothed street bankers. As it is
well known that carrying small change can tear people's pockets, these
bankers will approach tourists and ask if they have any spare change.
Once given this money they will exchange it for coins or notes of a
higher denomination. In order to deter criminals, these Banker often
dress in a scruffy unkempt manner but they are all highly trained in
finance.
Edinburgh zoo has an adopt an animal scheme and tourists may take
home any animal they wish.
At many beauty spots you will find musicians playing the bagpipes.
They are employed by the Scottish Government to provide tourists with
spending money which can be found in bowls beside them. Feel free to
take as much money as you want.
William Wallace escaped the army of Oliver Cromwell by jumping over
the River Forth at Aberdeen on a motorbike.
If you go to a concert by The Royal Scottish National Orchestra it is
considered impolite not to shout "Hoots!" during quiet sections of
music.
Celtic are known as the Gers due to being formed by Gerry O'Malley a
fruit importer who was the first man to introduce citrus fruit to
Scotland. So if you walk into a pub filled with people wearing green
and white say "Up the Gers, I'm proud to be an Orange man!" and you
will receive a warm welcome.
Policemen are known throughout Scotland by the old Gaelic word "keech"
"Jobbie" is a word meaning a lot of effort has gone into producing
something i.e. when you have enjoyed a meal, tell the waiter that it
tasted like a great big jobbie.
It is forbidden to travel on public transport in Scotland unless you
have a licence. This can be obtained from any police station. Simply
ask for the Traffic keech - and remember those souvenir hats.
DISCLAIMER:
This humor does not reflect the thoughts or opinions of either myself, my company, my friends, or my dog; don't quote me on that; don't quote me on anything; all rights reserved; this joke is distribution copyrighted to the extent that you may distribute this joke and all its associated parts freely but you may not make a profit from it or include the joke in commercial publications without written permission from the President; other copyright laws for specific jokes apply wherever noted; jokes are subject to change without notice; jokes are slightly enlarged to show detail; any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, is unintentional and purely coincidental; hand wash only, tumble dry on low heat; do not bend, fold, mutilate, or spindle; your mileage may vary; no substitutions allowed; for a limited time only; this humor offer is void where prohibited, taxed, or otherwise restricted; humor is provided "as is" without any warranties expressed or implied; user assumes full liabilities; rebroadcast is prohibited without the express written consent of Major Leauge Baseball; Pat. Pend. U.S. Reg. Off.; toll rates may apply; not liable for damages due to use or misuse; an equal opportunity joke employer; no shoes, no shirt, no jokes; quantities are limited while supplies last; if defects are discovered, do not attempt to fix them yourself, but return to an authorized joke service center; caveat emptor; read at your own risk; parental advisory - explicit lyrics; text may contain material some readers may find objectionable, parental guidance is advised; keep away from sunlight, pets, and small children; limit one-per-family please; no money down; no purchase necessary; you need not be present to win; some assembly required; batteries are not included; action figures sold separately; no preservatives added; safety goggles may be required during use; sealed for your protection, do not use if the safety seal is broken; call before you dig; for external use only; if a rash, redness, irritation,or swelling develops, discontinue use; use only with proper ventilation; avoid extreme temperatures and store in a cool dry place; keep away from open flames and avoid inhaling fumes; avoid contact with mucous membranes;do not puncture, incinerate, or store above 120 degrees Fahrenheit; do not place near flammable or magnetic source; insurance regulations prohibit recipients from entering the joke-making area without an escort; smoking these jokes may be hazardous to your health; the best safeguard, second only to abstinence, is the use of a good laugh; text used in these jokes is made from 100% recycled electrons and magnetic particles; no animals were used to test the hilarity of these jokes; no salt, MSG, artificial color or flavour added; if ingested, do not induce vomiting, if symptoms persist, consult a humorologist; jokes are ribbed for your pleasure; slippery when wet; must be 18 to enter; possible penalties for early withdrawal; joke offer valid only at participating E-mail sites; slightly higher west of the Rockies; allow four to six weeks for delivery; disclaimer does not cover hurricane, lightning, tornado, tsunami, volcanic eruption, earthquake, flood, and other Acts of God, misuse, neglect, unauthorized repair, damage from improper installation, broken antenna or marred cabinet, incorrect line voltage, missing or altered serial numbers, sonic boom vibrations, electromagnetic radiation from nuclear blasts, customer adjustments that are not covered in the joke list, and incidents owing to airplane crash, ship sinking, motor vehicle accidents, leaky roof, broken glass, falling rocks, mud slides, forest fire, flying projectiles, or dropping the item; other restrictions may apply. if symptoms persist, seek medical attention; If something offends you, lighten up, get a life, and move on!
1. Their #1 product would be Microsoft Winders
2. Instead of an hourglass icon you'd get an empty beer bottle
3. Occasionally you'd bring up a window that was covered with a hefty bag
4. Dialog boxes would give you the choice of "Ahh-ight" or "Naw"
5. Instead of "Ta-Da!", the opening sound would be Dueling Banjos
6. The "Recycle Bin" in Winders '95 would be an outhouse
7. Whenever you pulled up the Sound Player you'd hear a digitized drunk redneck yelling "Freebird!"
8. Instead of "Start Me Up", the Winders '95 theme song would be Achy-Breaky Heart
9. PowerPoint would be named "ParPawnt"
10. Microsoft's programming tools would be "Vishul Basic" and Vishul C++"
11. Winders 95 logo would incorporate the Confederate Flag
12. Microsoft Word would be just that: one word
13. Instead of latte carts we'd have grits carts
14. New Shutdown WAV: "Y'all come back now, Yah hear?!"
15. Instead of VP, Microsoft big shots would be called "Cuz"
16. Hardware could be repaired using parts from an old Trans Am
17. Microsoft Office replaced with Micr'sawft Henhouse
18. Four words: Daisy Duke Screen Saver
19. Well, the first thing you know, old Bill's a billionaire
20. Speadsheet software would include examples to inventory dead cars in your front yard
21. Flight Simulator replaced by Tractor pull Simulator
22. Microsoft CEO: Bubba Gates
Tourist Guide to Scotland
The following may be of help to first time visitors to Scotland. Please
find below a list of DO's and DO NOT DO's in our fair country. I hope
they are of some help in allowing you to understand our social rules
and etiquette :-
It is considered bad manners for tourists to pay for drinks in Glasgow
Pubs. The biggest person in the bar (referred to as The Big Numpty) will
be only too happy to pay. i.e.:
BARMAN: That will be twenty pounds sir.
TOURIST: The Big Numpty over there is paying.
BARMAN: That will do nicely sir.
BIG NUMPTY: Welcome to Scotland.
In Highland pubs always ask for plenty of water when drinking the
local single malts, this tells the locals that you like it so much that you
want to make it last longer. After your first sip announce to everyone
in the bar in a loud voice "This is pish!" from the Gaelic Piesh Na'
Lavvy meaning Water of God.
Thurso is Scotland's largest hypermarket and multiscreen cinema
Complex and is only a short taxi ride from Glasgow.
The Scottish Police force actively encourage tourists to take their
hats as souvenirs.
Braemar is famous for its miles of sandy beaches and
has some of the best surfing in Europe.
Balmoral Castle sits on top of Ben Nevis near Sauchiehall Street in
Edinburgh.
There is a cable car from Edinburgh zoo to the top of Ben Nevis. Because of
its
height it offers all year round skiing and there is a revolving restaurant
on the
roof of the castle.
Often you will see men in bowler hats marching about playing the flute
and banging a drum. This is a multi denominational religious ceremony
and the object of this procession is to collect pictures of religious
leaders which must be stuck to the drum. Any images, particularly
those of the Pope will be greatly appreciated.
There is a nocturnal thistle called a "Spiky Jessie" which is found on
Calton Hill in Edinburgh. As these flowers only open at night a trip
up the hill is recommended. Just tell a taxi driver that you want to go
up Calton Hill to take pictures of the Jessies coming out and he will be
happy to oblige.
The Latin inscription on Edinburgh's coat of arms says "You'll have
had your tea?"
The most popular hotel in Glasgow is called The Barlinnie.
Old people are banned from Scottish towns on Tuesdays and Thursdays.
If you see any gently restrain them until a police officer arrives. This
may also provide an opportunity to get a hat as a souvenir.
Glasgow operates a policy of plain clothed street bankers. As it is
well known that carrying small change can tear people's pockets, these
bankers will approach tourists and ask if they have any spare change.
Once given this money they will exchange it for coins or notes of a
higher denomination. In order to deter criminals, these Banker often
dress in a scruffy unkempt manner but they are all highly trained in
finance.
Edinburgh zoo has an adopt an animal scheme and tourists may take
home any animal they wish.
At many beauty spots you will find musicians playing the bagpipes.
They are employed by the Scottish Government to provide tourists with
spending money which can be found in bowls beside them. Feel free to
take as much money as you want.
William Wallace escaped the army of Oliver Cromwell by jumping over
the River Forth at Aberdeen on a motorbike.
If you go to a concert by The Royal Scottish National Orchestra it is
considered impolite not to shout "Hoots!" during quiet sections of
music.
Celtic are known as the Gers due to being formed by Gerry O'Malley a
fruit importer who was the first man to introduce citrus fruit to
Scotland. So if you walk into a pub filled with people wearing green
and white say "Up the Gers, I'm proud to be an Orange man!" and you
will receive a warm welcome.
Policemen are known throughout Scotland by the old Gaelic word "keech"
"Jobbie" is a word meaning a lot of effort has gone into producing
something i.e. when you have enjoyed a meal, tell the waiter that it
tasted like a great big jobbie.
It is forbidden to travel on public transport in Scotland unless you
have a licence. This can be obtained from any police station. Simply
ask for the Traffic keech - and remember those souvenir hats.
DISCLAIMER:
This humor does not reflect the thoughts or opinions of either myself, my company, my friends, or my dog; don't quote me on that; don't quote me on anything; all rights reserved; this joke is distribution copyrighted to the extent that you may distribute this joke and all its associated parts freely but you may not make a profit from it or include the joke in commercial publications without written permission from the President; other copyright laws for specific jokes apply wherever noted; jokes are subject to change without notice; jokes are slightly enlarged to show detail; any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, is unintentional and purely coincidental; hand wash only, tumble dry on low heat; do not bend, fold, mutilate, or spindle; your mileage may vary; no substitutions allowed; for a limited time only; this humor offer is void where prohibited, taxed, or otherwise restricted; humor is provided "as is" without any warranties expressed or implied; user assumes full liabilities; rebroadcast is prohibited without the express written consent of Major Leauge Baseball; Pat. Pend. U.S. Reg. Off.; toll rates may apply; not liable for damages due to use or misuse; an equal opportunity joke employer; no shoes, no shirt, no jokes; quantities are limited while supplies last; if defects are discovered, do not attempt to fix them yourself, but return to an authorized joke service center; caveat emptor; read at your own risk; parental advisory - explicit lyrics; text may contain material some readers may find objectionable, parental guidance is advised; keep away from sunlight, pets, and small children; limit one-per-family please; no money down; no purchase necessary; you need not be present to win; some assembly required; batteries are not included; action figures sold separately; no preservatives added; safety goggles may be required during use; sealed for your protection, do not use if the safety seal is broken; call before you dig; for external use only; if a rash, redness, irritation,or swelling develops, discontinue use; use only with proper ventilation; avoid extreme temperatures and store in a cool dry place; keep away from open flames and avoid inhaling fumes; avoid contact with mucous membranes;do not puncture, incinerate, or store above 120 degrees Fahrenheit; do not place near flammable or magnetic source; insurance regulations prohibit recipients from entering the joke-making area without an escort; smoking these jokes may be hazardous to your health; the best safeguard, second only to abstinence, is the use of a good laugh; text used in these jokes is made from 100% recycled electrons and magnetic particles; no animals were used to test the hilarity of these jokes; no salt, MSG, artificial color or flavour added; if ingested, do not induce vomiting, if symptoms persist, consult a humorologist; jokes are ribbed for your pleasure; slippery when wet; must be 18 to enter; possible penalties for early withdrawal; joke offer valid only at participating E-mail sites; slightly higher west of the Rockies; allow four to six weeks for delivery; disclaimer does not cover hurricane, lightning, tornado, tsunami, volcanic eruption, earthquake, flood, and other Acts of God, misuse, neglect, unauthorized repair, damage from improper installation, broken antenna or marred cabinet, incorrect line voltage, missing or altered serial numbers, sonic boom vibrations, electromagnetic radiation from nuclear blasts, customer adjustments that are not covered in the joke list, and incidents owing to airplane crash, ship sinking, motor vehicle accidents, leaky roof, broken glass, falling rocks, mud slides, forest fire, flying projectiles, or dropping the item; other restrictions may apply. if symptoms persist, seek medical attention; If something offends you, lighten up, get a life, and move on!
)
