17th Jan

[Scardwel]

Quantas Airline Safety - Pilot Gripe Sheet:

After every flight, pilots complete what is called "a gripe sheet" This
conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the
flight and need repair or correction. The form is a piece of paper that the
pilot completes and then the mechanics read and correct the problem. The
mechanics then write on the lower half of the form what remedial action have
been taken and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humour.
Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as submitted
by Quantas pilots and the solutions recorded by maintenance engineers. By
the way, Quantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.

(P = the problem logged by the pilot. S = the solution and action taken by
the engineers.)

P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

_____

[hallucienate]

An 85-year old man is having his annual checkup. The Doctor
asks him how he is feeling... "Great! I've got an eighteen-year old bride
who"s pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"

The Doctor considers this for a moment, and then says, "Well,
let me tell you a story. I know of guy who"s an avid hunter. He never
misses a season. But one day he"s in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally
grabs his umbrella instead of his gun. So he"s walking in the woods near
a creek and suddenly spots a beaver in some brush in front of him! He
raises up his umbrella, points it at the beaver and squeezed the
handle.BAM!!!! The beaver drops dead in front of him.

"That"s impossible!", says the old man in disbelief, "Someone
else must have shot that beaver."

The Doctor says, "My point exactly."

[Robert E]

really funny ones, both of them

on a tangent, does anyone know if AE has a flight certificate? I'm (almost) certain that the last time I flew to London, the stewardesses said over the PA that the pilot's name was Andrew Taylor. interesting, eh?

[hallucienate]

doubt it, no smoking in the cabins. But Bruce Dickinson does.

"fly to liiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiive, aces hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh"

[hallucienate]

oh and andrew taylor is a very popular name, there was even one in Duran Duran

[Andy TG]

As an aside - I was in school with a guy called Andrew Taylor - SOB would not look you in the eye when talking to you face to face - used to bug the hell out of me - AND he was a massive Tiffany / Debbie Gibson fan - but hey its was 1984! Last I heard he was in "Computers!