Heartland at the Movies: Slotherhouse
Posted: 31 Aug 2023, 16:54
Yes, dear reader, even the forces of tea-and-biscuit law-enforcement need to take a little time off to refresh and recharge. We do this because we know how much you depend on our advice on such thorny questions are "Should I leave the spoon in?", and because we love you we want to make sure that we can bring our whole attention to such things.
In the spirit of R&R, then, FUCT organised an outing to our local moving-picture emporium last evening. Such an embarrassment of riches were there presented for our viewing delectation: a talkie about someone who made a thing that went 'bang' very loudly, another that seemed very pink (and therefore unsuitable - it might have contained scenes that were insufficiently revolutionary for the more tender of our team members). When what did our eyes alight upon but a natural history documentary about the bradypus, or 3-toed sloth. Being as we are greats fans of Sir Richard Lord Attenborough, and keen to learn more about these somnolent denizens of the Central American forests, we sallied forth to take our seats.
As the lights dimmed we were on the edges of our seats with excitement, anticipating 90 minutes of in-depth anthropological entertainment. And, dear reader, we were not disappointed.
The film opens on a vista of the lush, green tangled jungle, a cacophony of insect noises, and some excellent footage of a sloth in search of a leaf. It heralded much delight. But alas, from this point the film departs from its stated aim of education and descends into jaded mass-market entertainment. Are we expected to believe that a sloth can drive a car or wield a katana, or that an animal whose diet is so lacking in protein can work out how to electrocute an shower full of sorority girls, or can use its claws to post a selfie?
We returned home deflated and dejected, but reaffirmed in our knowledge that not everyone can bring the same intellectual rigour to their tasks as we do.
[record scratch]
Folks - go and see this film.
Go and see it if you're a fan of the horror genre: you will appreciate the nods to the classics (there's a Psycho bit that means you will never again be able to watch the original without thinking about sloths)
Go and see it if you're a fan of the slasher genre: you will appreciate the send-up of Hallowe'en, Friday the 13th, and Elm Street
Go and see it if you're a fan of the sorority mean-girls genre
Go and see it if you want to laugh your arse off
Go and see it if you appreciate that what most movies lack is a homicidal animatronic 3-toed sloth
Go and see it if you think that independent film-making is important
Just fucking see it already.
In the spirit of R&R, then, FUCT organised an outing to our local moving-picture emporium last evening. Such an embarrassment of riches were there presented for our viewing delectation: a talkie about someone who made a thing that went 'bang' very loudly, another that seemed very pink (and therefore unsuitable - it might have contained scenes that were insufficiently revolutionary for the more tender of our team members). When what did our eyes alight upon but a natural history documentary about the bradypus, or 3-toed sloth. Being as we are greats fans of Sir Richard Lord Attenborough, and keen to learn more about these somnolent denizens of the Central American forests, we sallied forth to take our seats.
As the lights dimmed we were on the edges of our seats with excitement, anticipating 90 minutes of in-depth anthropological entertainment. And, dear reader, we were not disappointed.
The film opens on a vista of the lush, green tangled jungle, a cacophony of insect noises, and some excellent footage of a sloth in search of a leaf. It heralded much delight. But alas, from this point the film departs from its stated aim of education and descends into jaded mass-market entertainment. Are we expected to believe that a sloth can drive a car or wield a katana, or that an animal whose diet is so lacking in protein can work out how to electrocute an shower full of sorority girls, or can use its claws to post a selfie?
We returned home deflated and dejected, but reaffirmed in our knowledge that not everyone can bring the same intellectual rigour to their tasks as we do.
[record scratch]
Folks - go and see this film.
Go and see it if you're a fan of the horror genre: you will appreciate the nods to the classics (there's a Psycho bit that means you will never again be able to watch the original without thinking about sloths)
Go and see it if you're a fan of the slasher genre: you will appreciate the send-up of Hallowe'en, Friday the 13th, and Elm Street
Go and see it if you're a fan of the sorority mean-girls genre
Go and see it if you want to laugh your arse off
Go and see it if you appreciate that what most movies lack is a homicidal animatronic 3-toed sloth
Go and see it if you think that independent film-making is important
Just fucking see it already.
