Heartland

A selection of the funnier ones from a long list which just landed in my inbox:

A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'

A policeman stopped me the other night, he taps on the window of the car and says: 'Would you please blow into this bag, Sir'. I said: 'What for, Officer?' He says: 'My chips are too hot'.

Sometimes I drink my whiskey neat. Other times I take my tie off and leave my shirt out.

I went to Millets and said 'I want to buy a tent.' He said 'To camp?', I said (butchly) 'Sorry, I want to buy a tent.' I said 'I also want to buy a caravan.' He said 'Camper?' I said (campily) 'Make your mind up.'

Guy goes into the doctor's. 'Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside.' 'How's that?' 'Don't you start'

I walked into a bar the other day, I went "OOof!" It was an iron bar.

I walked into a bar the other day, I went "Fooo!". It was an irony bar.

My dog's got no nose...

God knows.

God ain't in my kitchen