Heartland

Late last Saturday night; a young chap was walking home from  the
>pub.
> > > > > It was a cold, wet, windy evening, and he was  tired and
freezing.
> > > > > Most of the streetlights in the area  were broken, and the
silence
> > > > > was only broken by the  occasional sound of a stray cat
sifting
> > > > > through a  dustbin. Then suddenly he heard a strange
noise.......
> > > >  >
> > > > >               BUMP........
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > >  >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >   BUMP........
> > > >  >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > >  >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >   BUMP........
> > > >  >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >  Startled by this, he turned, and to his amazement, through
the
> > > >  > driving rain, he saw the faint outline of a large box turning

>into
> >  > > > his road.
> > > > >
> > > > >
> >  > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >       BUMP........
> > > > >
> > >  > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > >  >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > >  >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >   BUMP........
> > > >  >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > >  >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > >  >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >   BUMP........
> > > >  >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > >  >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > > He  froze to the spot, he couldn't believe his eyes, as the
box
> > > >  > approached from the shadows, he was able to make out its
shape
> > >  > > more clearly....It was a coffin.
> > > > > Not wanting  anything to do with this, he put his head down
and
> > > > >  started walking briskly home.
> > > > >
> > > >  >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > >  >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > >  >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > >  >
> > > > >
> > > > >         BUMP........
> > > > >
> > > >  >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > >  >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > >  >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > >  >
> > > > >               BUMP........
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > >  >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > >  >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > >  >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >   BUMP........
> > > >  >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > >  >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > >  >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > > He  could feel the coffin gaining on him, he started walking
> > > > >  faster.........
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > >  >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > >  >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > >  >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > >  >
> > > > >               BUMP........BUMP.......
> > > > >
> > > > >
> >  > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > >  >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > >  >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > >  >
> > > > >
> > > > >         BUMP........BUMP.......
> > > > >
> > >  > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > >  >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > >  >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > >  >
> > > > >
> > > > >         BUMP........BUMP........
> > > > >
> >  > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > >  >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > >  >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > > The  coffin was closing with his every step, he started to
jog,
> > > >  > but he heard the coffin speed up after him......
> > > >  >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > >  >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > >  >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > >  >
> > > > >
> > > > >         BUMP........BUMP...BUMP...
> > > > >
> >  > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > >  >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > >  >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >   BUMP........BUMP...BUMP...
> >  > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > >  >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > >  >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > >  >
> > > > >
> > > > >         BUMP........BUMP...BUMP...
> > > > >
> >  > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > >  >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > >  >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > > He  started to sprint, but so did the coffin .......
> > > > >
> >  > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > >  >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > >  >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >   BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP.....
> >  > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > >  >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > >  >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >   BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP.....
> >  > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > >  >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > >  >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > >  >
> > > > >             BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP.....
> > > > >
> > >  > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > >  >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > >  >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >  Eventually he made it to his front door, but he knew the
> > > > >  coffin was only seconds behind. Fumbling around in his
pocket, he
> >  pulled
> > > > > out his keys,
> > > > > His hand  trembling, he managed to open the lock, he dived
> > > > > inside  slamming the front door behind him. He shot into his
front
> > room,
> >  > > > and
> > > > > slumped into his comfy chair.
> >  > > > Suddenly there was a loud crash, as the coffin smashed its
way
> > > > > through the front door. The force of the impact broke  the
lock
> > > > > off the coffin allowing the lid to swing freely  on its rusty
>hinges
>as
> > > > > it continued its  chase.....
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > >  >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > >  >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > >  >
> > > > >               BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...
> > > > >
> > > >  >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > >  >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > >  >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >    BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...
> > > > >
> > > >  >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > >  >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > >  >
> > > > >
> > > > >         BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...
> > > >  >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > >  >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > >  >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > >  >
> > > > >               BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...
> > > > >
> > > >  >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > >  >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > > In  horror the young lad fled again, as fast as his shaking
> > > > >  legs could  take him he bolted upstairs to the bathroom and
>locked
>the
> > > > > door........
> > > > >
> >  > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > >  >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > >  >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > >  >
> > > > >               BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...
> > > > >
> >  > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > >  >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > >  >
> > > > >               BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...
> > > > >
> >  > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > >  >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > >  >
> > > > >
> > > > >         BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...
> > >  > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > >  >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > > The  coffin again gave chase up the stairs, across the landing
> > > > >  and launched itself at the bathroom door. With an almighty
smash,
> > >  > > the bathroom door flew off its hinges.....
> > > > > The  coffin stood in the doorway, then started to approach the
> > > > >  young terrified lad.
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > >  > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > >  >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >    BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...
> > > > >
> > > >  >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > >  >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > >  >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > >  >
> > > > >               BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...
> > > > >
> > > >  >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > >  >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > >  >
> > > > >
> > > > >         BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...
> > > >  >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > >  >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > > In a  last ditch attempt to save his skin, he reached for his
> > > > >  bathroom cabinet......
> > > > > He grabbed a bar of Imperial  Leather soap and threw it at the
> > > > > coffin.......still it  came ........
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > >  >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > >  >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > >  >
> > > > >
> > > > >         BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...
> > > >  >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > >  >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > >  >
> > > > >
> > > > > He grabbed his can of Lynx  deodorant and threw it
> > > > > ........still it  came......
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > >  >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > >  >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > >  >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > >  >
> > > > >               BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...
> > > > >
> > > >  >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > >  >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > >  >
> > > > >
> > > > > He grabbed his first aid kit  and threw it ......still it
>came......
> > > > >
> > > >  >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > >  >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > >  >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >    BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...
> > > > >
> > > >  >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > >  >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > >  >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > >  >
> > > > > He grabbed some Benelyn cough mixture and threw  it........
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > >  >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > >  >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > >  >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > >  >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > >  >
> > > > >              The  coffin stopped.
>

You bastard. Coffee all over the feckin monitor now.

And people say my puns are bad.

I will find where you live and pay you a visit!

James Blast wrote:I will find where you live and pay you a visit!

me or Andym you wanna visit me, no problems just bring some weeds and I'll supply the beer, you like scrumpy

Funny.

But reminds me of the awful, and regrettably regular, puns in my office (and possibly many others in Scotland) based on the fact that "week off" sounds like "wee cough"...

Arf! - Took A While - But worth it in the end!

very, very reminiscent of buffet The Vampire Slayer....

cough.....

Hahahah hahahaha!

That's superb.