OK, here's the thing. I'm 21 years old, and I still haven't abandoned my ideas of "making music" when I grow up...

I likes to play the pianner. I likes to write a little song. I had a hammered dulcimer, just like Lisa Gerrard, but it broke. I can sing, just like Lisa Gerrard...

... shut up.
But I've decided it's finally time to start recording my own tracks, proper like. Alone, for the time being, 'cos me old jammin' partner went off to try and become a marine biologist. Unfortunately, she was the one with all the guitar knowledge. I just played the thing, and badly.
In short, I can write a song, I can write a tune. But I'm f**king ORGANIC.
Just me, a clapped out old pianner and ancient Yamaha keyboard, my voice and a s**t old tape recorder.
I want bells and whistles. I want a nice guitar. I want a nice keyboard. A sequencer. Whatever other bollocks you need. I don't know where to f**king start. Recording on the computer or no? I google, and all I get is GEEKERY!
My dear, knowledgeable Heartlanders... I implore you... 'ELP!

You can all laugh now.